Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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