So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You took a bar mat shot.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
