She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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