I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
