I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
