he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
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I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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