i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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