Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
