After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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