So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
