Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
