i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
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every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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