Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
