I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
