Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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