I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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