DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
