so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
