this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
