he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
