I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
