dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She told me I should be a condom model.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
