It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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