Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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