i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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