totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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