I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
