you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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