I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
pray to the hookup gods
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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