If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
