I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
