i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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