we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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