she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
