No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize