You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
