I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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