There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
