he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
