I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
