Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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