you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
