Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
