cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
