I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
