I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
