if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
