I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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