I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your cock deserves a montage
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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