I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
