I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
