if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
