life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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