11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize